Why Do We People-Please? Exploring the Trauma Response Theory
We’re familiar with the fight-or-flight response to trauma: confront the danger or run away to protect yourself. But one of the less-discussed trauma responses is fawn, or appeasing or pleasing the threat to avoid any harm. This response is particularly common in situations where you feel powerless or trapped. If you’re a people-pleaser, this behavior might actually stem from unresolved trauma, especially during childhood. While people-pleasing might seem harmless, it ultimately comes at the expense of your mental and emotional health.
What are People-pleasing Behaviors?
People-pleasing can show up in many ways. You might find yourself saying “yes” to obligations when you really want to say “no.” You might also go out of your way to avoid confrontations or change your opinions to match those around you. These behaviors are often driven by a deep-seated fear of rejection, criticism, or abandonment. Often, people-pleasers get their sense of self-worth from external validation. This means they’re constantly seeking approval from other people and avoiding doing things that might upset other people. Other people-pleasing behaviors can include:
Avoiding disagreeing with others
Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings
Feeling anxious about other people’s opinions of you
Feeling guilty when setting boundaries
Apologizing when you don’t need to
Changing your personality depending on your company
Feeling resentful when your effort isn’t recognized
While these behaviors can make you seem agreeable or easygoing, they’ll likely ultimately lead to resentment, burnout, and a low self-esteem. Over time, you might even struggle to differentiate your own identity from who you are to other people. This can be especially true if you’re enmeshed in unhealthy relationships with family or partners.
People-pleasing As a Fawn Response
For many people-pleasers, this behavior stems from a history of trauma or chronic stress that typically started in childhood. When a kid grows up in an environment where their emotional or physical safety frequently feels threatened—whether due to neglect, poverty, abuse, or unstable relationships—they may develop the fawn response as a coping mechanism. By becoming hyper-attuned to the needs of others, the child learns to avoid conflict and maintain some semblance of control over their environment.
In adulthood, this fawn response can manifest as people-pleasing. They might continue to prioritize others’ needs over their own. This is ultimately a misguided attempt to head off any potential threats to their own emotional safety. What used to be a protective mechanism in childhood becomes maladaptive in adult relationships. People-pleasing can lead to patterns of self-sacrifice, emotional exhaustion, and unfulfilling relationships.
Breaking the People-pleasing Cycle
Recognize the Issue: Work on your self-awareness by recognizing when you engage in people-pleasing behaviors. Pay attention to situations where you prioritize other people’s needs over your own or avoid expressing your true feelings. It might be helpful to journal about or write down these patterns.
Reflect on your Past: Think about whether there are any unresolved traumas or experiences that might be driving your people-pleasing tendencies. Your childhood and past relationships may be affecting how you relate to others today.
Set Boundaries: Practice setting clear boundaries with others. This might involve saying “no” when you need to, expressing your own needs and desires, or distancing yourself from unhealthy or toxic relationships. This won’t be easy at first, so start small.
Practice Self-compassion: Remember that people-pleasing is a learned behavior rooted in survival instincts. Be easy with yourself as you work to unlearn these patterns and develop a stronger sense of self.
Do You Struggle with People-pleasing?
Are your relationships and self-identity suffering from people-pleasing? If your people-pleasing behaviors are deeply ingrained or connected to past trauma, consider seeking therapy. As a therapist who specializes in working with people pleasers, I can help you explore these patterns, process your childhood, and develop healthier coping strategies.
To recognize and change your trauma response behaviors, please reach out.
About the Author
Nicole Mendizabal is a licensed marriage and family therapist providing virtual therapy services in Florida.
